Therapeutic Parenting (Part 2)
THERAPEUTIC PARENTING – AN INTRODUCTION
As we explored yesterday, the staff coming into this line of work may have differing opinions on Therapeutic parenting depending on their own experiences, beliefs and values. Some may find it harsh or rigid due to the increased levels of structure and routine. Some may think it’s permissive and that we “let children get away with anything”. Whilst we must empathise with the fact that there are differences people may struggle to get their head around or maybe flat out disagree with! We must also recognise that we parent these children differently in order to make them feel safe, rewire their neurological pathways, and to avoid retraumatising or shaming them.
Traditional Vs Therapeutic parenting- Key differences
Let’s explore some of the key differences between traditional and therapeutic parenting. This is where you as a Proactive trainer may have to support adults in rewiring their own brains, help them to put their different lenses on and up their empathy levels!
Asking “Why?”
When parenting therapeutically we tend to avoid asking children “Why?” they behaved the way they did. Remember if a child is in fight, flight, freeze their thinking brain goes offline, they literally do not have access to it, their decisions are unconscious, and fear driven. So, the chances are if we ask them “why did you do that?” when they are dysregulated, they aren’t going to have the answer! Also, if we think about the fact that we are supposed to be a Secure base, who understands and accepts them, asking why can sound like “I have no idea why you behave the way you do” to our children. Leaving them feeling anxious and misunderstood.
Therapeutic response – We may use Curiosity and “I wonder” statements. So, instead of asking “Why?” we might say “I wonder if you did that because you, we’re feeling upset about falling out with your friend?” Helping the child to feel understood.
Overpraising
Praising is quite a natural reaction and viewed as a positive thing, how could this be damaging for our children? Well, let’s view praising through our Attachment and Shame lenses. An adult’s praise can hugely conflict with a child’s internal working model and shameful view of themselves. If a child’s core belief is “I am bad” and an adult is saying how amazing they are, this could lead to them thinking that adult is a liar and therefore unsafe.
Therapeutic response – Praise may be very understated. We may just “notice” instead of praising. For example, “I have noticed you have made your bed”. If a child paints a picture rather than saying “wow, that’s fantastic” we might say “That’s interesting, tell me about this bit here”. Praise can also be evidence based so we might say “I know you are kind because I saw you helping Johnny look for his shoes”
Surprises/ spontaneity
Again, surprises are generally viewed as a positive exciting thing but when we think about our children’s lived experiences surprises may have not always been good- physical abuse when they weren’t expecting it or a sudden removal from home. Surprises mean something out of the ordinary and out of the ordinary can mean loss of control and danger.
Therapeutic response – Therapeutic parents try to provide routine, structure, and predictability.
Time out
This is a strategy often used in traditional parenting, a child may be sent to the “naughty” step or to their bedroom “until they have calmed themselves down”. Let’s view this through our Attachment, Trauma and Shame lenses. Sending them to the “naughty” step is going to confirm their internal working model and shameful thoughts that they are “naughty” and adults think so too! Isolation is also going to be distressing for a child who has had many experiences of being left alone, dysregulated and scared. And finally, giving them time alone to calm down relies very heavily on a child being able to self-regulate, this is a big ask of most children but for children who have never experienced the co-regulation of a safe adult this is completely unrealistic. A traumatised child is dependent on adults to regulate their brains.
Therapeutic response – Instead of a time out we may use a Time in. We recognise that when our children are dysregulated, and their thinking brains are offline is when they need us most. We need to regulate their brain and turn off the Amygdala’s alarm system. This can sometimes feel like the last thing you want to do when you are upset about their behaviour but it is so important to give children the message “I’m here for you, we’re going to work through this together and I accept you unconditionally” rather than “you’re on your own, I’m not there to help you and I don’t like you when you behave like this”
Saying sorry
Therapeutic parents do not expect or insist upon apologies from traumatised children. Adults can often get into a “war mentality” around apologies and feel as though the child has “won” without one. But we will explore the subject of apologies more next week.
Developmental Vs Chronological age responses
We understand that trauma, attachment, and shame can all have an impact on a child’s development. We should respond to a traumatised child’s developmental age and not their chronological one. This stops us from having unrealistic expectations of what a child “should” be doing and falling into the mindset of “They’re 16 they should know better”. Should they, based on their lived experiences?
Rewards charts
Again, rewards charts are a very common parenting strategy. But there is a whole host of reasons why they may not work for children who have experienced trauma. Just as a starting point let’s look at rewards charts through our shame lens. If a child’s core belief is that “I am bad” they may not believe you when you say they are worthy of a reward, feeding into their belief that “adults are liars and aren’t to be trusted”. Rewards are often used as “a carrot on a stick” to influence behaviour, but what if the fear of trying and failing is just too overwhelming, what if they believe that you won’t give it to them anyway?
What if you have a star chart up on the wall and this child whose core belief is “I am bad” only has 5 stars, and everyone else in the class has 20+, the “proof” of that “badness” is up on display for everyone to see. Not only do they think that about themselves, so does everyone else, further feeding into those crippling feelings of shame.
Consequences
Before we get into consequences lets just remind ourselves about cause and effect thinking. Cause and effect thinking starts to develop through the arousal- relaxation cycle and those early serve and return interactions as a baby. Children begin to understand “If I do X..Y happens”. Because of the lack of these interactions our children lack cause and effect thinking. We also know that our children are often trapped in shame.
Unrelated consequences are consequences that are enforced by an adult that are completely unrelated to the behaviour the adult isnt happy with. For example, having electronics removed because they were rude or having a detention because they couldn’t sit still. Therapeutic parenting doesn’t advocate for the use of unrelated consequences. Because they are unrelated it makes no sense to our children and does not help them to link cause and effect. It can therefore feel like punishment for no reason and is likely to damage the relationship and cause conflict between the adult and the child.
Natural consequences are consequences that happen as a direct result of the childs behaviour without the adult actually enforcing anything, we just let the consequence occur. For example, if a child has spent all of their pocket money within a few minutes of receiving it and then they needed more money a few hours later, we would not intervene and give them more money. The natural consequence of spending the money all in one go is that there is none left for anything else! Natural consequences along with a narrative from the adult is what starts to build cause and effect thinking. They should be done with nurture and empathy attached and are designed to teach not punish or shame!
“You can’t pour from an empty cup”
Therapeutic parenting is not easy. It requires thought and intention, resilience, and patience. In order for us to be effective we must look after ourselves first or we are very likely to encounter Empathy fatigue. It is our responsibility to be aware of our own attachment and parenting styles, to regulate our own emotions, be vulnerable and ask for support when needed.
“A dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child”
We hope you found these daily readings useful and look forward to welcoming you on the course and spending a great 8 days together!
See you on Monday!